Things are never so bad they can't be made worse. ~ Humphrey Bogart

This morning I had a headache. It was worse than I have had for a long time, but I still didn’t think it would affect my aneurysm – my second one sitting in my brain.

Many years ago – not too long after I’d been going out with my second husband – I had to call off a sexual intimacy because an orgasm had given me the worse headache I had ever had. Now that I know that this sort of thing was the ‘thunderclap’ which lead into brain aneurysm, I suspect that, even so many years ago, I had had a small haemorrhage that day but I’d never known about it.

Since the hospital in April last year, after my op and stroke, I haven’t really had a headache since then. Today it’s uncool, but I still don’t think it will affect my aneurysm. Why? Because if it does affect my aneurysm I would rather want to die than go back into the hospital for a second aneurysm operation and possibly another stroke which might just make me completely invalid.

This is a weird thought, yes I know that, but in the last year I have done an about-face for aneurysm operations unless every neurosurgeon will operate on every person who are CT’d with an aneurysm, straight after that happens. I had to wait 293 days. I don’t believe I would ever have had a stroke. If I end up in brain aneurysm surgery and have another stroke, a very bad stroke, I would rather die than be left invalid.

Sparky Henderson said: “People who live in the past generally are afraid to compete in the present.” He thought longer, but these words dug into me. I live alone and have a long, long few hours every day thinking about what I do like, and I think I live in my own past, my childhood and much more. So many years I wish to forget, but I can’t. I have relived the memories. I remember so many things from my old past, when things from my present and very near past I forget.

I saw a different quote which says “I smile and act like nothing is wrong; sometimes it’s called dealing with shit and staying strong.” This used to be me, for most of my life, until I ended up in hospital. I had never planned that, but neuro managed to talk me into signing the elective form and kept me waiting for 293 days. I’ve re-done that quote because it sure reflected me.

I drafted a brochure a few weeks ago, with the intention to print of thousands and travel all around Australia and hand them out and talk to heaps of people, but I know that won’t happen. No money. This life is very sad. Maybe not for everyone who has been through BA, but there are a lot like me.

With my headache and no future, I can just wish you all your own future. I hope you have your family and friends and are not entirely alone. I hope you are all getting better without a headache or feeling so cold.

Like Humphrey Bogart (Rick Blaine in Casablanca) said, "Here's looking at you, kid." Have a lovely week if you can.